100 WC- When all of a sudden

“Hello are you up there Tiger” shouted Luke but I remained silent and watchful as Luke circled the tree once but then  headed back inside. I was happy up here, by myself and with no one to boss me around. Up here no one would try to even come halfway up because this is my special tree and I can sit up high in my tree and do watever I want whenever I want but down there I am the youngest and the smallest. When all of a sudden the new kid came, he was just like me.

 

One Comment

  1. antsclass

    Outstanding Ethan!
    You have chosen to describe some detailed moments that make this piece seem emotionally very real. I love the way this child uses a tall place to escape from being small and powerless- something we can all relate to.
    One thing to consider when rereading and editing is to wonder about removing conjunctions.
    I have done just this in this version of your piece. It is exactly the same, just with most of the conjunctions removed. I feel it actually emphasises the emotions by creating a better pacing for the sentences-see what you think:

    “Hello are you up there Tiger” shouted Luke. I remained silent and watchful as Luke circled the tree once, then headed back inside. I was happy up here, by myself, with no one to boss me around. Up here no one would try to come even halfway up because this is my special tree. I can sit up high in my tree and do whatever I want whenever I want. Down there I am the youngest and the smallest… When all of a sudden the new kid came, he was just like me.

    Great work,
    Ant

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